Here’s a Thought

Would it be…..could it be……SHOULD it be…….?

Do you think I could avoid the scale until my 40th birthday? I ask cuz of one reason.

That reason is that I am doing — for  the most part — the best I can. I am going to kickboxing 3-5 times a week, eating an essentially clean diet, I have cut back on my wine. The weather is getting nice, I am getting outside to walk with my ladies. This is all good.

Twice, in the past month, I have decided to hop on the scale, I wanted to see those awesome number. Awesome numbers was not exactly what I saw.  What I saw was the same numbers (LITERALLY– THE EXACT SAME!!!!! to the DECIMAL!!!! AND YES I AM FUCKING SHOUTING!!!!! IT SUCKS SO BAD!!!!!) that have been glaring at me from the beginning.

Okay, so I didn’t lose any weight. But what that confirmation did for me was transform me from someone who was feeling good, standing tall, feeling some sense of pride an accomplishment…..and turned me into a sniveling, crying baby weeping into my husband’s shoulder. For what?!

What good is that damn piece of machinery if it has the power to weaken me like that, to take a great day and turn it completely on its head and fill me with self-loathing and negative self-talk for a full 3 days?

I would love to know your thoughts. You — meaning me — because I am still sitting here writing for myself. Maybe my subconscious could comment below.

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Impossible

There are days when I feel as though I have put on 50 pounds in the last month, where I have outgrown all my clothes and am going to start popping buttons on everything I wear. I feel like T-rex in kangaroo clothing — too big, too graceless, too massive.

Is this what it feels like to have be body dysmorphic, or is this what it feels like to be a middle-aged woman? Either way, I’m screwed.

Flashback Friday

Don’t get too excited — I’m just flashing back over the week. I think it’s a good practice to do so on Fridays, especially since at this point I am writing for myself. I haven’t worked up the courage to share this blog, or my goals, with anyone. I am too afraid to fail.

But this week was worth examining, and it was also unusual for two reasons — it is school vacation and we took two mini-trips. Knowing I would have these challenges, I made a decision to use my time wisely and take a closer look at my nutrition rather than trying to micromanage it. These weeks are generally a loss when it comes to having any sense of routine.

But even with my challenges this week, these good things happened:

I made it to kickboxing twice and I even went to a great yoga class while traveling. With 6 feet of snow still on the ground, I anxiously await the hiking/walking days still to come. But all told, I made a decent effort this week.

I went to a buffet for the first time in my life. I carefully perused all of the choices and decided on a plate containing a bbq short rib, a cup of corn/black bean salad, and a 1/2 cup of potato salad. Then I indulged in a small crustless cheesecake thingy for dessert. It was delicious, I felt satisfied but not stuffed, and the house won as far as the cost of admission but I won as far as keeping my dignity and my promise to myself.

I drank more wine than I should have while away with family, but sometimes that is how it goes. Next week is a new week.

I didn’t stay positive as much as I would have liked, mindset-wise. I let self-loathing thoughts dominate me and I really want to change this. Sometimes I feel like an old dog trying to learn a new trick.

I did decide to take a closer look at much protein I consume and I think it deserves some consideration. I have read articles about how we need more protein, and articles about how we don’t. It’s another example of the confusing information out there. But this week I will be looking into vegan protein sources and trying to incorporate more of those into my diet, just to keep things well-rounded. Constantly looking to improve 🙂

Sorry this post was so boring. It sucks talking to myself.

CONFESSION #1: I am not a binge eater

I know — this would be more of a confession if I was admitting to some shameful binge-eating tendency.

But I confess this because I think it’s important to note that I may have to search a little harder to find the real cause of my obesity ( I bristle at the word OBESE by the way. But if you go according to those stupid charts at the doctor’s office, I am indeed obese, even though I wear a women’s size 12 clothing and am in decidedly awesome shape).

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier for me to swallow (pun intended) being fat if I could point to some neurotic overeating episodes that felt beyond my control. But the sad truth is that this isn’t the case — I am not sure if I have ever (beyond “pigging out” at sleepovers in junior high) binged. I don’t even like buffets because I can’t and don’t consume enough food in one sitting to justify the all-you-can-eat price.

So what is the problem then? Stay tuned.

Scratching my head.

I am a chronic dieter. I have always — for my entire life, ever since I was a teenager — felt as though I had 20 pounds to lose. I won’t go into my upbringing (yet) or why I have been raised to be a dieter (COUGH *** thanks mom *** COUGH) but I am and at this point, my “I’m so Zen and I am just going to accept my body the way it is” mentality has cost me a 10 pound weight gain over the last year.

So I know it’s time to do something and this weight ain’t takin’ itself off. But I am thoroughly confused — and that may be the world’s most colossal understatement.

Diets I have hade moderate success on include Weight Watchers, Type O Blood Type Diet, Herbalife and Transitions. Beyond those 4 of my million attempts, I did have short term success. With three daughters, I am no longer interested in “eating” via shakes and pills so that rules out the two latter methods. With my pledge to not give a single dollar to the weight loss industry during this process, Weight Watchers is off the table. And that leaves the Type O Blood Type Diet, which I find unmanageable — and which I have attempted a few times since with no weight loss (When I first tried it, I was nursing — which may have accounted for the rapid weight results). I went vegan for 30 days — I felt great but that weight loss they promised just never happened

I also attended a hippy-dippy eating therapy group that helped me to process some of my hang-ups with eating. That class inspired me to eat intuitively. Intuitively, I am confused about how to eat — my head is filled with 39 years of wacky information about nutrition, much of which contradicts itself.

So who do I  trust? One scientist says to eat whole foods only, another meat and cheese. One restricts you to non-processed sweeteners, another to ONLY processed sweeteners. One says no carbs, one says you need them. One says go vegan, another urges animal protein. WTF.

For the next month, I do want to try something new — just to shake it up a bit. Sometimes I think it is beneficial, at the very least, to keep your body on its toes.

I found this book at the library and while I am a little confused as to why it would be okay to drink diet soda and use aspartame on my oatmeal (neither of which I will be doing — I do have some of my own ideas about nutrition after all this time ), I think giving up sugar/fructose would be a great way for me to kickstart these next 9 months.

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It can’t hurt right? And already I have identified some potential problems with my “healthy” diet — namely that I eat high-fructose vegetables like my life depends on it (carrots, cukes, peppers). There is no harm in experimenting a little with the concept of eliminating fructose from my diet. Let’s give it 30 days.

Oh scale. I hate you.

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I want to claim that I have a love-hate relationship with the scale, but we all know that isn’t true. It’s purely a hate-hate thing.

In fact, as I embark on this blog —  a project I currently refuse to confess to anyone but my husband — I am not entirely sure how to handle the scale. My scale, which is currently buried under a loveseat in my bedroom and which has been so incredibly unfair to me the last couple of times I have set my feet upon it, is the object of my complete loathing.

I am open to the opinions of others as far as what has worked for them, but I know I have to write this story on my own. Eventually I will have a story to tell about how I handled the issue of the scale, but for now I feel insecure and scared when I think about “weighing in.”

I’m all for accountability, but I am not all for weekly humiliation drills. There must be a happy medium somewhere therein.

 

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Oh my god.

I can’t believe I’m here in this place again. Let’s just say this isn’t my first rodeo.

I have blogged in many different ways and for many different reasons in the past, including a weight loss blog that included me — whining — for about 8 months. Did I lose any weight? I don’t think so. Frankly I forget. My brain kind of works like that.

But I like the process — I love to write, to connect with STRANGERS (note the word in bold — I do not plan to talk with anyone in my life about anything I say here). I need an outlet.

So why WINE and WORKOUTS? Because they are my two favorite pasttimes, and they are pitted against each other in my quest to lose about 20 lbs before my 40th birthday. In all honesty, the wine is the reason I have to work out, and I work out in order to accomodate my love for wine.

But what’s that old saying?

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or was it this one?

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Oh, you say potato and I say ….

…I say it might be hard to make that one change I know I need to. I need to up my workouts and down my wine. Or maybe downing my wine IS the problem. I don’t know. These Einstein quotes have me all confused.

I will wrap this up, but I will be back. Back to talk about little bit about my love for Wine and Workouts. And all the WEIGHS in which I need to change. Before I am Over the Hill.